are fucking LOUD AS FUCK. It's not racist, it's not rude, it's not a bad thing to say. IT IS FUCKING TRUE. I have never in my nineteen years of living met a quiet african american. EVER. I have been friends with plenty, they are all LOUD ASS MOTHERFUCKERS.
That is all.
So I'm at Dylans house with Jamie...and kind of Ashley and an AWOL Dylan who's been missing since like...an hour ago. I don't know whats up with him. I feel like he will do literally anything in his power to avoid hanging out with me and Jamie when he's with Ashley at least.
I wish we could just go back to the summer where all we all did was party and hang out and just enjoy each others company all the damn time. There was no annoying drama, no cold weather, and my sorry ass had a job and a car. Speaking of which, not having that shit is seriously effecting me. I feel like everyone I'm friends with considers me a bum now. Like I go to school, big fucking deal. It's a hell of a lot of obnoxious stress, but still. I feel like since I've lost my license and my income everyone just like looks down on me. I don't ever have money to do anything fun, and I don't have any rides to get anywhere so I'm always taking the bus and getting picked up and it's just starting to get old to my friends and that's why I like haven't been chilling with like half my friends lately. I know it's probably a stupid idea but I can't help feeling like that sometime and idk it's just really shitty
HOLY DUCK FUCKS DYLAN CAME BACK FROM HIS RANDOM MUSIC BREAK. He probably wrote a song about his dog who he didn't care about till like two hours ago. Boo. Ew I'm a bitch. But he's being an asshole and like ignoring everyone for no reason and it's obnoxious.
ANYWAYS, what have I been doing with my life...
I partied all weekend. Jello shots and weird people all around me and Sam Marshal running her weird jawed dog mouth for no reason. I got REALLY drunk Thursday, like not drunk Friday and pretty drunk Saturday. It was weirddd
Today Ashley, Dylan, Jamie, Me, and her pupsterr all ran up a mountain to see a really pretty view of Medford and like Boston and other cities. It was really fucking nice and romantic and I liked spending time with Ashley and her ever silent boyfriend and being at romantic places with Jamie is always fun because it brings out the sweet side of our relationship which I loveee love love<3
Being in love is fantastic might I add..
But weird when your boyfriend of eight months asks you to move in with him when him and his mom get their own place? I feel like it would be a nice idea but at the same time..why would I want to live with you and your mom and your sister homeess. We should get jobs and get our own apartment. THAT would be dope as fuck. Back to the job thing, I wish I had a job. I wanna skip the whole school process and just work and live my life. Fuck everyone elses expectations of me. If I end up taking a CNA class this summer, I might just stay doing that and never go back to school..or atleast not for a while. It's sad cause I used to be so excited but in reality it's a lonley stressful place and I'm not happy there. I kind of like the school and I have some decent friends there but I never see them and I'm not the type of person who likes to sit alone in their dorm room all day, and without a steady income or the chance I'll even have any type of money on any basis I can't do much. It blows. Hopefully everything will just work out and I'll figure out what I wanna do with my life and everyone will stop asking so fucking weird.
I miss my friends, I miss my old lifee. Fuckkk dood. Shit is lame.
lol story of my life...bleh i just wanna go home college is annoyinggg and weekends are FUN
i can't remember the last time I wasn't atlead kind of tired...fucking a.
sleeping so much
and seeing this adorable adorable man this weekend
who rolls a stomper on the first date? a man after my own heart, thats whooo
I've been biting my tongue for way tooo longgg. and EVERYONES always fucking buggin
Like chiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllll with that shit. Please.
The whole staying single thing is working pretty well. The school thing isn't going as well as I hoped but I'm straightening everything out. Soon I should be getting a job at FedEx. 10 bills an hour to scan and sort packages. HOLLA. it's 4:30 to 10 monday-friday soo that'll be a good 250 lining my pocket every weeeeek. Then I can finally get this shit with my car sorted out, and finally be able to fucking support myself again. I hate relying on other people, cause they're NEVER dependable. I can't wait to be just as helpful to everyone else as they'vebeen to me since I've been down and out. Shit's crayyy but I give no fucks, in fact, I give negative fucks, i'm fucking TAKING fucks. Forreal. Bleh I reek of four lokos. But I'll get over itt. shwordd. i missed this thing.
to fucking stay single. FOREVER.
Relationships are way too muchy stressx and time and effort and I like can't deal with it anymore. I'm just gonna do me and focus on my life and try to get my priorities in order. It's nice to have someone to love and be around and have fun with but I can find that in my friends I don't need a romantic relationship. If I want sex I can get it, so that's not even a problem. For now it's just school work and good times with my homies. That's all that I need right now.
On a side note I'm in school now (salem state university), living in school has been awesome. I've met some killer fucking people. Last night I went to a show and that was amazin as always. umm i don't even know there isn't much else to say. I def should start updating more. Dwam
"yea but im here now and im going to do whatever i can to try and make your life a lot less depressing"
Jamie Ellis...you are a wonderful human being and I'm lucky to love you
Life is amazing. Other then stress about money and random shit like that basically everything is perfect. I have amazing friernds, I just recently (July 2nd) got together with this guy I've been talking to since early June. He's such a fucking sweethear and he makes me so happy :). After Anthony I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be in a normal healthy relationship again but I am and I couldn't ask for a better person to be with. So much shit has been happening and I REALLY need to update. My summer has been epic. Shrooms, booze, weeeddzz, not much coke anymore which is probably a good thing. Just experimenting and roaming around with my friends and basically just being fucked up for fun alllll ze time. I would definitley update more but I'm never home, ever. I think if my laptop had wifi i woudl be more likely to update cause I wouldn't have to sit at this stupid computer to do it. Hopefully I'll have some quiet alone time to make a nice long post about everything in the near future. Until thenn. loveyou LJ :)
I feel suicidal.
Like it's really bad.
I try to be happy I honestly do, I think of all the good shit in my life, I think of how much I've accomplished and how well my life is going. And then I realize that I'm just fucking with myself. I'm going to college WHOOOO HOOOOO. Big fucking deal.
I can't handle this. I really can't. I've grown apart from everyone I used to be close with. I have literally two good friends, and that's it. I just feel like shit all of the time. I don't want to be like this. I know that seeing me sad upsets those around me so I do my best to hold it together but I can't anymore, and frankly I don't want to. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I hate trying to sleep at night. I feel shitty, I feel miserable, I feel lonley, I think that's the worst part. Just feeling as though I am totally on my own. I don't even really know how to feel anymore. Or atleast how to type it out on a livejournal post. I just don't have anywhere else to put it. Bye
Summer is here! I fucking love summer. So far I've basically been working and partying allllllll the fucking time which leaves little time for sleep. But I have the next three days off which means that I can just relax. I'm going to buy a 300 dollar phone today. Cause I'm that hood rich. It's nice to actually spend a shit ton of money and have something to show for it instead of it all going up my nose. I've been trying to take a break from yayo. Last time i used was last friday so i mean it's only been a week but I managed to supress a REALLY intense urge that had me calling everyone I knew at 2 am cause I couldn't find my dealers number. I think it got deleted out of my phone. Anyway, I'm not gonna kid myself and say I'm not gonna do it anymore cause I know I will. Hopefully I can just get a handle on it this time. We'll see where it goes. I have graduation on Sunday :D. Twelve years of fucking public school systems finally done and over with.
I have so much to do today to get ready for that party. I need to clean my room(s) and go buy a dress and some new shoess and some hairdye and a new eyebrow ring. etc etc etc. lol. Well I guess thats itt.
the two things that are engulfing my entire fucking life.
the reason i decided to hook up with my neighbors dad
the reason i steal my 12 year old sisters birthday money to buy cocaine
the reason i hate myself and everyone around me
i've never felt so alone
i've never felt so depressed
i've never been more helpless or pathetic or self-destructive
i don't know what to do and i don't know who to talk to and i don't think it's ever gonna get better
i feel cheated
the more i sit here in my disgusting self pity and think about my life the more miserable i become
my dads been in and out of jail forever
my parents openly used drugs and brought strangers into my house basically my entire childhood
i was molested by one of those strangers
my parents have been sepearated for almost five years now and it's hard to feel any emotional attatchment to either of them
i love them both so much and i just wish that they didn't feel so distant
i don't even fucking know what im talking about
i have a million reasons to hate and be sad and all i want to do is love and be happy but i get in my own way and fuck up my own shit because
i don't even fucking know. why do i insist on sabotaging myself?
i've been so fucking strong for so long and this is how it's all gonna end?
i went through SO MUCH SHIT in my life and when the time finally comes for me to be free of the stress and pressure of being the foundation that supports everyone around me i fail
this is when i fuck up
this is when i lose it
when it's finally about me ic an't do it anymore
i just need someone to hold my hand and tell me everythings gonna be okay
i need someone to be there for me and take care of me and let me cry and scream and vent and rage
i know i have friends and shit that would let me but somethings holding me back
i can't stand it
i just want to stop hurting
the only time im at peace is when i'm not even here and that's so fucked up and unfair
why can't i enjoy life like everyone else
even if i have every reason to be happy, even if im smiling and laughing and enjoying myself i still have this cold black rock inside of me. it won't go away. it's always there in the back of my mind telling me i cant
telling me i shouldn't
im crying and i feel stupid.
im in charge, i have control.
why cant i just say no
why cant i just let everything go and truly enjoy shit.
im not brave enough, smart enough, strong enough?
im just lost.